"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away": Part 6

The baby was inside my body, but I was no longer “pregnant”.  That was a very unusual feeling.  After a few days from meeting with the Genetic Counselor I no longer “felt” pregnant, meaning the morning sickness and the usual discomfort went away almost completely.  I could feel my uterus shrinking on its own, which worried me that the D and C (dilation and curettage) would come too late.

My mom made plans to be with me for a few days.  I was grateful and worried at the same time— worried that she would miss important days from school.  As I went back and forth about wanting her to come out, her response was simple, “Jamie, sometimes you just need your mom.” 

She was right.  This was an unusual experience and I just needed my mom (even for three days).

My mom took care of the kids so Danny could escort me to my procedure.  The doctors were nice and took really good care of me.  I was a little nervous about the anesthesia.  I kept thinking about the last time I had to go under—which was for my wisdom teeth as a senior in high school—I cried and cried immediately after I came woke up.  I was worried the same thing would happen this time around. 

The nurse had to prick me a few times to get a proper IV (the bruise lasted for two weeks).   I think she was new, so all was forgiven.  After I was dressed and prepared for surgery (including robes and hairnet), Danny was able to keep me company for a few more minutes.  Unfortunately every time I looked at him I just wanted to cry.  I kept thinking about the baby, our family, where we went wrong (which I know wasn’t our fault), what was going to happen in the future, etc...   Also, I was sad because I didn’t want to have to go through this without him.  He had been with me through everything up to this point and I really wanted him to be with me now.  I was sad to say goodbye (even if it was 30 minutes).

I was escorted by the anesthesiologist to the surgical room.  I lay on the bed while the nurse and anesthesiologist prepared me for the surgery.   I saw my doctor enter the room.  He smiled at me briefly before continuing his business.   The nurse kept telling me to relax—I would be falling asleep very soon.  I closed my eyes in anticipation and then I was asleep. 

After hearing papers shift and nurses talking around me I finally woke up.  I don’t remember anything about the surgery; I was still very, very tired.  I was in the recovery room. I was surrounded by beds.  The nurse got up from her desk to check on me and as soon as I saw her I cried.  I was back to that deep place inside my heart where I could feel all kinds of emotions.  I was sad about the baby, tired from the surgery, worried about Danny, reacting from the anesthesia, and in the end, I could feel a void where the baby once was.  I was sad and I couldn’t stop crying.  The nurse called for Danny right away and before I knew it he was there holding my hand. 

My doctor came in shortly after I woke up and we discussed what I was feeling.  I needed to cry and grieve and be sad.  I knew that too, but I thought perhaps my crying was a reaction from the anesthesia—exactly like when I got my wisdom teeth out—maybe a combination of both.  I was finally able to stop crying and we made preparations to go home. 

 

As soon as we got home from the hospital I sat on the couch the rest of the evening.  Danny went back to work and my mom took care of everything else.  I was grateful she was there.  The kids were a little concerned about me, but they were fine having grandma there. 

The week following my surgery was emotionally rough.  The lingering hormones from the pregnancy AND the postpartum was settling in.  I was sad at moments, happy at others, frustrated and irritable.  I decided to go to church the Sunday following my surgery—I would much rather listen to speakers and feel the spirit than be alone at home.  Needless to say it was a little too soon.  I ended up in the bishop’s office with Danny, sobbing about my worries with being choir director and all the grievances from losing the baby.  It was a sensitive time for me and I was a bit over reactive. By week two, I was back to “normal” with only a few minor set backs.  I can’t expect to never remember or feel sad from this experience, but I do need to keep progressing and applying what I have learned and REMEMBER the effect it had on our family.  It was truly an unexpected blessing. 

A few days ago we received the results from the CVS.  I was a little surprised and relieved to hear that the DNA showed a normal carrier type, meaning the chromosomes had the normal number and structure.  Also, the omphalocele was isolated or sporadic in that it had occurred all by itself.  As far as they can tell the risk of this happening in a future pregnancy is not increased.   

This is GREAT news!   But why did we need experience this sporadic, spontaneous occurrence? 

Only the Lord knows (and I will be finding out along the way.)   

A few thoughts:

1)        It was a blessing to have missed that first appointment with the Genetic Counselor.  If I would have met with them at 10 weeks, as was originally planned, the baby would have still been alive and I would have miscarried on my own by my next appointment at 12 weeks—thus, not being able to receive the CVS (because they cannot test the tissue the same way when it is out of my body).

2)        Heavenly Father provided a means where I could strongly feel the influence of the Holy Ghost.  I needed that opportunity—I needed to “feel” again.  Danny and I try to be faithful in our callings, reading the Book of Mormon, giving service, and keeping the commandments, but we were not feeling the influence of the Spirit consistently.   Possibly just going through the motions?  I don’t know how to effectively explain it, but I do know that this experience has been very humbling for me (and my family) and I am being refined as I endure the pain.  I really hope, however, that this was not an opportunity to COMPELLED to be humbled.  But if so, it was for us to learn and grow and gain a better perspective of God’s love for us.

 

3)        I have also learned that I cannot accomplish anything this life without having a personal relationship with Heavenly Father and accepting the atonement of His son, Jesus Christ.  I must rely on Him in every word, deed, thought, and action.  He is my advocator.  He is my Savior and Redeemer.  I must remember Him, always, even when life is a little rough. 

4)        I have gotten to know that I am completely surrounded by love and support from family and friends.  We have wonderful friends in the ward who lend a helping hand, but it’s different than being surrounded by family.  We have great family support, but this experience, however, has shown that people, in addition to family, care about us.  I appreciate the concern, letters, texts, emails, comments on this blog, phone calls, meals, and love that have been shown on our behalf.  We are very grateful for your kind words.  Hopefully I can learn to be just as exceptional about showing that same affection to others in need.  Thank you for your love and example of how to mourn with those that mourn.  We love all of you!

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